on guilt, on love

Why is there such a pressure that comes with being married?
You know the pressure - the "stick it out", the "things always get better", the "you made a promise" bit.

Well, yeah, sure I made a promise.
But.
I also didn't make that promise with the idea that THIS would happen rattling around in my head.

Sure, it sounds petty.
Sure, it sounds pathetic.
I know I sound like a whiner and like a loser and like a quitter.

But I'm exhausted.
Really, really exhausted.

Are we supposed to make the promise with the caveat "NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS" attached?
Can't there be some kind of promise voider?

Okay, how about this... say one half of that vow making duo doesn't keep the vows?

Or, maybe they did but you can't know for sure because you didn't choose traditional vows, haven't been able to find yours, and the person who officiated your wedding never gave you a copy?

Does not having a hard copy void the vows?

Or are all vows - wedding vows - in particular basically a lot of blabber just to say "I'm sticking with you for whatever, whenever, where ever, no matter what?"

Do some people put footnotes on their vows, like "*unless you really, really fuck up."
What about "*unless your fuck up threatens to ruin EVERYTHING"?

AND WHAT HAPPENS IF SOMEONE ELSE - A COMPLETELY UNRELATED PARTY - DOES THE FUCKING UP?
What happens to the vows then?

Can third parties make vows invalid?

See, there are just so many things that I need to ask and there is no one that I can ask.
I'm just screaming these things at a blank wall inside my head.
But in my head I'm at a party - there are balloons and streamers and I've got a happy little hat on.
And everyone is having a great time until I start screaming at the wall.
And then they all start to wonder if I'm crazy and whisper about therapists.

And I'm still screaming questions and everyone just goes on with their party.

And I'm still screaming.