on guilt, on love

Why is there such a pressure that comes with being married?
You know the pressure - the "stick it out", the "things always get better", the "you made a promise" bit.

Well, yeah, sure I made a promise.
But.
I also didn't make that promise with the idea that THIS would happen rattling around in my head.

Sure, it sounds petty.
Sure, it sounds pathetic.
I know I sound like a whiner and like a loser and like a quitter.

But I'm exhausted.
Really, really exhausted.

Are we supposed to make the promise with the caveat "NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS" attached?
Can't there be some kind of promise voider?

Okay, how about this... say one half of that vow making duo doesn't keep the vows?

Or, maybe they did but you can't know for sure because you didn't choose traditional vows, haven't been able to find yours, and the person who officiated your wedding never gave you a copy?

Does not having a hard copy void the vows?

Or are all vows - wedding vows - in particular basically a lot of blabber just to say "I'm sticking with you for whatever, whenever, where ever, no matter what?"

Do some people put footnotes on their vows, like "*unless you really, really fuck up."
What about "*unless your fuck up threatens to ruin EVERYTHING"?

AND WHAT HAPPENS IF SOMEONE ELSE - A COMPLETELY UNRELATED PARTY - DOES THE FUCKING UP?
What happens to the vows then?

Can third parties make vows invalid?

See, there are just so many things that I need to ask and there is no one that I can ask.
I'm just screaming these things at a blank wall inside my head.
But in my head I'm at a party - there are balloons and streamers and I've got a happy little hat on.
And everyone is having a great time until I start screaming at the wall.
And then they all start to wonder if I'm crazy and whisper about therapists.

And I'm still screaming questions and everyone just goes on with their party.

And I'm still screaming.

technologically frustrated

I've been spending a lot of time with the blog lately. I think it's because I've been working on a project for school through the site.
At any rate, I downloaded the blogger app to my phone and that's made it a lot easier to blog whenever I feel the urge.
Turns out I do have a bone of spontaneity trapped somewhere in my body. It's either that or my adult ADD is making a comeback.

Regardless of the above information, it just occurred to me that I took some fantastic pictures of the offspring for Valentine's Day but only ever posted them to facebook.
The camera on my phone is fried so taking pictures of the kids suddenly takes a lot more effort - double that because I lost the cord to my camera so uploading means a long process of SD card removal followed by outdated tablet manipulation and then downloading from e-mail...
Kill me. Hopefully I'll have a new phone soon.

Yay, tax return season!

Aeris - 4 years old and diva to boot.

Brett - 3 years old and all boy.

Ashton - 8 months old and full of chubby baby grins.

will spring, is springing, has sprung

My favorite season is less a real season and more that awkward period in between seasons.
Specifically that lanky span of time between Winter and Spring with the occasional day hot enough to warrant sun screen and the occasional day cold enough to warrant keeping the fluffy coats out of storage.
It's full of promise and hope.
I couldn't tell you why but there's something about being able to turn off the heater and open some windows that makes me want to clean like a crazy person.
Our weather finally warmed up to the mid-fifties and sixties two or three days ago and I've been like a mad woman on a mission - broom in one hand and Lysol in the other.
I've caught up on laundry, swept the whole house, straightened and finished decorating the boy's room, cleaned the master, the toy room, the man cave... organized a few sock drawers...
All of this and yet I still have a sink full of dirty dishes.
Well, I guess there are some chores that even nice weather can't improve.
It's also that great time when we start contemplating all the things we can do over the summer.
So far we have a trip to Cherry Creek Reservoir in Denver (because it's the closest we can get to a beach in land-locked Colorado) and a possible trip to Indianapolis for the mister and I (for our 6th anniversary - I spent the 5th anniversary being less than 24 hours away from the birth of baby #3).
We'll take the kids to the drive-in movie theatre, the pool, take a trip to our family cabin in the mountains.
This year is slightly different, though, because I start sitting in on actual classrooms this summer in preparation to be a full time student teacher and our oldest turns five.
And then she starts Kindergarten.
And I won't lie, that scares the bejeezus right out of me.
What about you lot?
What's your favorite time of year?
Anyone have any big summer plans lined up?

on knowing when to fold

I'm having one of those days - you know, the ones where you are at the point that you're not sure what else you can handle but if the sky suddenly collapsed all around you you would probably just sigh and say "Well, I guess I'll go get the broom..."
One of those days where you very briefly have the opportunity to step back from a situation and you get to wonder about all the little aspects of it that just don't make sense.
One of those days where you find something out - a small thing - and it slightly skews the way that the whole situation looks.
When you find yourself questioning everything but you aren't sure if you're questioning because you have a really reason to question or because you're paranoid, have trust issues and have never met anyone who you felt completely compelled to believe with 100% of what you have.
You know?
Maybe you don't. I hope you don't.
I can't go into a lot of detail - it's a thing, a reputation thing, a not ready to reveal to the world thing.
It's a "Someone please tell me that I've been in a coma for the last week and that none of this is actually happening" type thing.

It's a "Maybe you should listen to me" type thing followed by a "See, you didn't listen and now look at the mess you're in" type thing.
Then it sits still for a while and doesn't move and you become both complacent with the fact that it isn't doing anything and also wildly concerned that it could explode at any minute.
Then it becomes a "Why are you doing this? Haven't you learned to listen?" type things.
This grows into, yet again, a "I fucking told you..." type things.
This can be followed with a "I think I saw this coming and should have known better..." ordeal and then "Why didn't I listen?"

Eventually, it's all followed by the end of the world.
Sadly, it looks like that hasn't been written into the Cosmic Calendar yet.

Whatever.

I guess I'll just go get a broom and sweep this mess up...